Living the Dream

I remember when I was in the midst of congestive heart disease and the initial stay in the hospital.  The shock to my system when they put me on a no-salt, no taste, bland diet, I felt like I was being punished.  It was horrible:  plain rice, poached fish and eggs, plain vegetables with a dash of lemon ( maybe), no salt, no coffee.  “Oh,” they say, “you will learn to like it.”  “What kind of crap is that philosophy? ” I complained, “there is no quality to life at this point.”  See, I had spent my life on comfort foods.  They took away my comfort:  no popcorn, no sweet coffee first thing in the mornings, no pizza, no stroganoff, no homemade bread like mother used to make, and, omg, no dill pickles or dill pickle juice.  It was unfair, I tell you, unfair.  I do not drink, I do not do drugs, even pharmaceutical, we have to eat to survive, and I just have some things that I eat that comfort me.

The diet was intolerable, as are most diets.  They can be torture, truly.  My energy drops at even the thought of Diet.  Hungry, irritable, eating nasty stuff, only made me feel deprived.  And the diet-mongers make money hand over fist, and the bottled water people become wealthy on our stupidity, and diet supplements give me a headache, a stomach ache, insomnia, heart palpitations, and high blood pressure.  And, the exercise junkies run off their angst and I cannot walk very far, let alone, run, to get off excess pounds, and the television portrays scenes of posturing ultra-thin women who have a million dollars and exercise coaches and chefs and plastic surgeons as ‘normal’.

So, I have gone in search of something healthy to help me burn the excess.  I do diet, but my own kind of diet where I eat a little of what comforts me and more of the four food groups.  I refuse to deprive myself totally, and every few months I go out for pizza or Chinese buffet, or go to the lobster pound and get a lobster.  The sense of deprivation is what puts on weight I have decided.  The body knows feast or famine.  It began with it.  When my body recoils in horror because I have thought “Diet”, it starts hoarding things.  I try not to resent it, it has been gradual, and I do notice that inches go off before pounds.

There are fillers that are palatable.  I have learned to have a whole-whet pretzel stick…ummm, crunchy, as filler.  I love yogurt.  I love a granny smith green apple with a small amount of light cheese.  I can eat popcorn…the light kind.  I love Chai tea and herb teas and a cup of tea is so soothing.  I finally found a sugar substitute that is delicious - brown rice syrup for cooking and a small tablet for a teaspoon of sweetener.  I have learned to love diet Pepsi and diet Fresca and low calorie/low sodium sparkling juices.  I hate peanut butter, so I had to find another source that peanut butter fulfills.  Voila - peanut butter stuffed whole-wheat pretzel bites.  And home grown tomatoes and cucumbers in vinegar.

At times, my body rebels and I get a wicked stomach pain.  It hates to give up its comfort food.  It starts it sugar starvation throw-a-fit-and-punish so I will occasionally have a little sugar in my tea or a piece of candy…a piece….. or fool it with diet jello which is absolutely compacted with flavor and I add fruit because I really do not like the texture of jello by itself.  My body, once in a while, gets dry heaves at the thought of another boiled-danged-egg, fish of any kind, and I tell my body that deprivation is a big part of diet.  I have become determined but not fanatical.  And I refuse the sense of punishment for all my bad habits.  I did not get fat from over-eating.  I got fat from the steroids used when I had my heart problems and the inability to run the high school gym like I used to.  In fact, when my life got easier to live, and I was not burning up calories over worry and angst, I gained weight.  I used to be so proud that a little bit of stress could take off five pounds in a few days.  Well, that is no more.  I refuse to hate myself for it though.  I have put up with it but now, I am trying to find ways into fooling my body into losing some of this excess poundage.  If I do, great; if not, then I will live with it.  But, there has to be some kind of payback for depriving myself.

I have to get past the ‘weight = self worth” propaganda and just do it to feel better.  I got a bouncer.  It doesn’t seem to do anything but I bounce just the same.  It distracts me.  And, I refuse to see food as the enemy.  So, here I am, up at 3 am again, my stomach gurgling and I have no desire for a pretzel, tomatoes or cukes, or even popcorn.  I am simply awake because I wore out about five pm and had a little nap to shut my stomach up.  I am distracting myself with typing and know that tomorrow morning, I will wake up and go through it all again.  The bouncer is haunting me over there in the corner.  How do I shut that up?

Tags: Journal Blog //