Living the Dream

Being ultra-sensitive certainly has its drawbacks.  But, I have always said that I have known life Raw and Real.  It has not been easy on those who have loved me, who love me yet. The topic of Sensitive Souls is only just beginning to be discussed by experts.  What I had to learn the hard way, there is help for now.  If we love, we love deeply and strongly and right from the depths of our souls, in fact, all things we feel and evolve from that place of being ultra-sensitive.
I have found that a sensitive soul intuits more than most others.  Those of us who are sensitive allow events to change us, to impact us, and to affect us.  We love change because we see it as growth or ways to grow.  It took me some time to realize that I reveled in creating stress because stress drove me.  I had to understand that and how that stress eventually affected me.  If I did not control it, it would seem to start to frustrate me.  Eventually, I realized to honor my sensitivity and realized that change offers an opportunity for openness to change.  What I really had to work on was changing in the right way and to respond in the right way.  The rush of adrenalin had to be used for positivity.  I had to figure out what worked for me and what did not work best.  It took time and some wrong decisions and actions before I learned that life offered enough events on its own.
Sensitivity provides many opportunities for change.  Not all changes and opportunities are pleasant.  I have had to endure and explore the shadowy areas of life as well.  In some of those dark places, there was not real growth but I was certainly sensitive to the darkness.  And many told me not to be “so sensitive”, “not to feel” what I was feeling, that I shouldn’t feel what I did.  It then, in order to be accepted, behooved me to work hard to pretend I was not feeling ultrasensitive.  That was hard work, indeed.  How do you numb yourself?  Which was worse, I had to decipher, to be sensitive or numb?  It took me time, sad and shadowy time, to know that sensitive was best.  What was right and good and better for me was not necessary right and good and best for others.
I had to learn when to turn up my vibrations at will.  I did this by moving into creative mode.  It was there that I could expend excess energy through art and writing.  At first, I just needed to use up that energy and the process was more important that the creative result.  Eventually I was able to learn how to use that sensitivity to be able to write award winning poems, to gain joy from the energy spent in good and best ways.  Many people still ask how I can write so many poems in a day (I have written up to a dozen).  Rather than explain “Sensitivity” to them, I simply tell them they just come…and they do.  No longer do I feel guilt because I did or did not choose to use my sensitivity in the best way.  I have learned the joy of my sensitivity through trial and error.  I can honestly say, now, that my sensitivity is a gift.
This expending of energy through creativity brings about a sense of peace and harmony within.  I take great joy in the things I write and the things I make.  I am never bored and never angsty because I keep myself busy.  The joy supersedes the times I have failed to handle my sensitivity appropriately.  There are times when life intrudes and I have to scramble to deal with how I am sensitized to it.  There are certainly topics I do not choose to talk about and have told my children they are best not to broach.  I made the choice to retire early so that I would no longer be driven beyond the level of energy that I could physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually maintain.  I had need to rest, to “choose” where my energy went.  I no longer enjoy large crowds and even going to a busy city wears on me after these three years of a quieter, creatively productive life.  I live in harmony here and it causes trepidation to leave this quiet haven I have made of this new home and surroundings.  I am good here, but am I strong enough to take the intrusion on my senses by the outside world?  The outside world is not one that soothes, that allows the immersion into creativity.
I do, though, enjoy gathering for my creative work.  One way that I help myself deal with the transition from the quiet to the busy is that I take the train.  I love travelling this way:   The quiet cocoon that covers miles and miles while I read, work on my laptop or rest.  I am stronger by the time I arrive to where I am going as it allows me to slowly reenter the busy-ness.  It moves me more gently so I can maintain balance and not feel wound tightly or bombarded with stimulation and no common place to work through it.
I do not apologize any more for being sensitive.  I seldom feel guilty for it and I only feel guilty when I allow myself to get caught up in negative responses to the negative stimulation. ( ie:  old garbage rearing its head through my children who have the greatest chance of setting off great angst and negative stimulation.)  They do not understand and may never, but they have learned there are just some things I cannot deal with.  Those that care enough about me, try to make sure they do not set things up so that I enter that area where I panic.  My youngest daughter has seen me walk it off, bless her heart.  She knew I was upset, but I do not think she understands what Sensitive Soul means.
Sensitive Souls impact their world for the good, for the ability to go deep and be affected deeply.  We are in tune with nature at a deep level.  We intuit things from others.  We know when a touch of a hand can make all the difference.  We know, because we have had need of a touch of the hand sometimes.  So, if you have someone in your life who you think is ultra-sensitive…help them honor that.  Help them understand ways to quieten the angst and use that sensitivity for their own good, and in that, for the good of others.

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