Don’t Tell Me You’re Sorry–Show Me!
What do we do when our adult children make choices that are not acceptable? Well, I should know. I disappointed my parents enough times. I know they hoped, and that I conquered many things, and then I failed and they let me know I had failed…but never did they stop loving me….perhaps they loved me for my potential. I was grateful to reach that before my parents both died.
Raising my children, I was nothing more than a child myself. It took me many years to mature, and I think I did not do that until the kids actually grew up and left home. I still waver betimes, in insecurity, with all the goings on going on in all our lives. But, truly, my kids lives were not substandard nor sever. I drug them through life hanging on to my hem many times. But we survived and most of us have overcome and thrived. Why is there always that one or two? What makes one strong has left the other weak. Ah: choices!!!!
I think every parent can wish they had done better. But I did not and it was not the perfect life. Nor was mine as a mother, a woman, a daughter, a wife. There are no perfect people. We make choices and some of them will really not be good. We are all capable of poor choices. An environment does not make the choices…people do.
Letting go of the mother role is hard. As the children age, it makes their choices more dire because they have children of their own that it affects, never mind Mother. No matter how lousy decisions are, or how good, it DOES affect the whole family. But, through it all, I, as a mother, know that these are mine…my children, my life, my problems to take in and deal with as I can. Even if that means just closing the window for a bit, during the storm, until the dust settles. I cannot say, “You are welcome to come into my home and plant your chaos here.” I cannot allow that kind of enmeshment. All I can say is, “The door is ready to open when you are.”
I have always believed that once something is overcome through forgiveness, then it should be let drop. But it seems a mother is always carrying some kind of child-of-mine burden. (Remember, I have seven children). I can not let their situations eat at me and make me unhealthy too. I am as fragile as them. I am, but for the Grace of something, one step from being any of their failures.
All a parent can do is not give up. Oh, lord, haven’t I been close to that. I cannot cut off all contact, but what do I say when it has been time and time and time again that I am left downed by a child’s repetitive decision? I simply let the child know I know that a wrong choice has been made and that there is hope…oh, please, god, that there is hope, for change. I cannot fix them. I cannot change their choices. I live them right along with them. Maintaining a relationship is iffy at best, with adult children. When there is a child with chaos or addiction in their lives, and that addiction is more important than anything else ..physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.. It is damned hard to deal with. But maintaining and reestablishing a relationship, over and over again, with the child’s changes, is an absolute necessity if we are ever to stay family. There has to be compassion because not only has the child disappointed us, they have disappointed themselves in the act of disappointing us. Aghhhhhhhhhhhhh! Such enmeshment.
“Remember that you have about the same power in their lives as an ex-president has in politics,” Adams says. “You’re entitled to their respect and appreciation, even affection, and you enjoy historical importance, but you don’t have the ability to effect real change.” -Kathy Peele
Our adult children are still our children. They have the same right to make mistakes that we all do. We are always in the state of surviving, overcoming, and thriving. As I learn to understand my own successes and failures…day to day. I can better understand those of my children. I am a child of a child of a child of a child… of imperfect parents. All I wish for is progress and compassion as we butt heads and try to muddle our way through our problems. I’m ok, you’re ok…or we will be in a minute. But, sometimes I need more than a minute to gather up my “OK” and come to terms with my disappointment. Just as the child needs time to sort through reasons and realities of their problem, so do I, as that child’s mother. Just because we have forgiven ourselves for our imperfection does not mean that anyone else has. My child has to understand this. I love you, but I do not love the choice you just made. Some day, there may come a time when that we have to accept that that child cannot SHOW us they are sorry. What then? Well, then is the time that we may have to let go out of love. I am not an easy let-goer, or give-upper. I simply move to the shadows and wait for some new light. Just like when you were a child, I set you down and encouraged you to walk. When you fell, I picked you up and kissed you better and set you down again and you continued trying. That’s what I need. I just need you to try. I will if you will! Show me you are ready and I will be your greatest cheerleader.
I love you. I forgive you. I love you.
