Entries Tagged as 'Shhhhhh:A Creation Story'

Shhhhhh: A Creation Story - Published

http://www.lulu.com/content/820097
My story of growth from being given up for adoption, growing up different, going through difficulties and arriving at the far-side of it as a happy spiritual person… and found!

Printed: 285 pages, 8.5″ x 11″, perfect binding, 60# white interior paper, black and white interior ink , 100# white exterior paper, full-color exterior ink

Shhhhhh:  A Creation Story

 

I write…

 

”for no other reason, but for this,

that others may know

I have not lived this life as if a dream.”

 

-Richard Hooker

Dedicated to those who have stirred my Universe with their breath…

and to Bryce who says my story is beautiful.

Introduction ……………………………………………………page 2

 

Chapter I - My Forest of Feelings …………………………….page 3

 

Chapter II - Home Grown …..…………………………………page 11

 

Chapter III - What Roses ………………………………………page 52

 

Chapter IV - Life in the Break-down Lane ……………………page 98

 

Chapter V - Sharing the Journey ………………………………page 152

 

Chapter VI -    Gathering For The Journey Home……………..page 233

 

Bent To Beaches

Words ride ocean’s move to land on pale sand,
leaving private meanings
to be gathered by others, as possibly having significance

waves wash away gritty bitterness
stuck in craw of a seagull who swooped,
like wayward thought, for some tidbit of truth

this is my flesh, this ridged and welted leap
for safety on foreign shores

this is my heart, gathering in nooks and crannies
between tidal pools and sharp-cliffed gaps

this is my soul, seeping back to lap of its mother
after all is said and done

Live, darlings live, a dozen penned breaths
in order to become reefs of legacy
that I was here
  see, here are broken-hearted pieces of it
   languishing on littered beaches
    where love left them

  touch tossed phrases, stanzas roiling in surf
   and poems, piling up on tongue of toil
    going, returning, attempting
     to have Love love itself

I am a poet, pining to pen cemented passions
so it can be said of me

  oh but life scraped her stone-ground faith
   so finely, it dances on ocean’s soul

I was here where poetry pants on life’s edges.
 

Coping

Coping is a caution, I have found
for it is easy to deny the dearest damnit.
I’d had to understand the very ground
I find myself writhing on, the Calmat-
ty is to know which is truth and which is lie
I tell myself, that is the core to my demise.
I have to know my own reasons, however wry
for that which bends me, and be wise
about the choices, however crude,
that made me that which I do:  Survive!
Though some may think me rude
I am, nonetheless ever more alive.

I have sustained a thousand deep dark nights
through simply letting go and letting be.
I have learned when to accede and what fights
to fight, and which is best for simply me.
If god I know, is god that understands my fate,
t’is not for me to worry or to wonder
if others might deride or my choices oft’ berate,
for I am the ship that sails, or sinks asunder.

Coping is a sea, attracted to the tide.
Coping is a flower that turns to face a brand new sun.
Surrender is the beauty to which none can deride.
Volition is the beauty attached the all and knowing One.

Locating

1. 

I had a dream called “home”, although defining it
became detrimental to the dozen who depended on me.
I took to carving my name in juicy sap-lined
branches so they would be found, a hundred years
later and someone would think I truly lived amidst such poplar.
Someone always hankered for a hacksaw, with wide
hard swings they used my name to kindle fires.

2.

I took to writing my name in mud, such a stir, I caused
that father planted blue grass seeds in hopes
for  better crop.  Mother wept over her garden
and yanked weeds up by their roots, threw them over
the barnyard fence.  Perhaps that is where I learned
to thrive in shit for I spent a long time in that mire.

3.

Once, when we built our beautiful new house,
with big dark beams holding one level after another
up where it could be seen, I took a wood-burner
and scrawled my name in hidden places, so I lived
there as long as the house stood.  But it was not home,
and might have been easier to leave had I fired it all.

4.

Then, when I had no tree, no grass, no house,
drip of morphine declared me near dead, my bones aching
to go where there was supposed to be a place waiting,
hope drained out of me and I lifted myself up above the bed
and moved swiftly to that higher better hearth.
My father’s hand reached out to welcome me. 
I was so tempted, so very willing, but seven children
hung to the responsible hem I had worn for so long.
I could do aught but fold myself up and return
to the half-living skeleton.  I knocked at a faint light
and I was let back in to be greeted by my soul.

5.

These days, when I wander through forests,
gallop through changed sceneries, sink
into good ground,  eagles tell me who I am,
where I am from and where I am going
and home is where my soul is. My name
is on my door, welcoming you wherever I am.
 

Because Of You

The house reeled with classical music
and I waltzed through Alberta Woods,
wrote my way through the song of Loon.
Mother didn’t like my dancing around.
I could have made her bread dough fall.

My girlfriend’s sister’s boyfriend,
who we were all secretly in love with,
was the President of the High School
and they were given money to buy
those 45 records with the big holes in the middle
that you had to put a little disk in
to be able to play, and soon, we ditched
our brown oxfords and hiked up
our stiff crinolines and danced in the bedroom
where it wouldn’t rattle mother’s baking.

Oh, didn’t we weep at Johnny Getting Angry,
and rocked to Whooooooaaaaaaaaaa, I’m The Great
Pretender and then Vinton came home to Calgary
in his long rain coat and dark glasses.  We dumped
her sister’s guy and took on Bobby Vee, Vinton,
for all our silly new haircuts were worth.  Went touring
to Spokane’s Coliseum and met the Platters and
The Temptations and we became temptresses
huddled under the covers listening to “Oh, John,
Oh, Martha” until our little hearts burst…well,
at least our lights were on.  If mother had known
we’d have spent the rest of our lives on the farm
winding the cream separator round and round
to dispense forgiveness for our fallen ways.

Then there was John and Ringo and we dyed
our hair multicolors with food coloring to match
what we saw on Dick Clark’s (“devil”)show,
my mother called it, and she abruptly sent us off
to girl’s club where we would earn to knit
and purl and chew gum at the same time
before we stopped off at the corner coffee shop
that had been turned into a juke box jive
and where we would steal salt shakers,
just because we could, until the owner
would tell us to get the hell out with our tight
neon stretch pants and damned noise.  If mother
had known, she have salted our tails.

But it was too late, we heard The Animals,
that would have made even mother
a whiter shade of pale.  And oh, my god,
Neil Young and we took another toke
went back to wearing long skirts,
called our mothers by their first names,
but never our Dads.  They would have banned
our Saturday night whose-turn-to-get-their-car-
so- we- can- go- to- Waterton Dance Hall gigs.
Roy Orbison cooled our jets and we became civil,
even to our mothers who stopped staring at us
like we were some foreign affair.

Of course, the wild side led us to Jim Morrison,
Who, I am quit sure, led to early marriage and early births. 
I couldn’t get my babies to go to sleep unless
I played a Reader’s Digest copy of the Classics.
I grew up with their music and I love “Waterfalls”
and Eminem’s closet song.  I even lost
my religion.  But then my daughter’s,
daughter came this Christmas singing
“Because of You,” and I laughed at the thought
that a mother could ever be blamed until
I stopped listening to the rebellion
and spent a moment’s attention to the words.
Mother, I am so grateful you made music
in our home that was classical.